Dr Phil at Seven Thirty
by BrokenRosePetals
Summary: Bella Swan is a tempermental teenager with an apparent addiction to kidnapping cute little boys with green eyes. AU All Human
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. Or Dr. Phil.

I'm pissed off, but that's okay, because I get pissed off a lot, at the littlest things, like Charlie leaving the toilet seat up, and how old people drive thirty miles a fucking hour just to piss you off.

But that's not just it. I actually have a reason to be pissed off and I have a reason a reason a reason.

I'm pissed off, but that's okay, because I get pissed off a lot, at the littlest things, like Charlie leaving the toilet seat up, and how old people drive thirty miles a fucking hour just to piss you off.

"Bella, come downstairs and eat dinner." You know what else pisses me off? My parents. Not just some stupid teenage angst either, I mean they _royally piss me off_. I hate them I hate them I hate them.

"Bella. Unlock the damn door and come to dinner." But the parent that pisses me off the most is Renee because Renee is a goddamn whiny little bitch and what if I don't want to eat fucking dinner huh? What if I want to stay in here just to piss you off like you piss me off every single day? Stupid bitch. I hate her.

Instead of answering Renee (which I knew would make her angry; she hates to be ignored) I go and swing my legs outside of my open window. I'm at the second story of the house but I don't think it'd do me permanent damage to jump down. So I say a little '_hasta la vista bitchs_' inside my head and jump.

I land flat on my ass. That's okay. I never claimed to be a cat. Besides, I've always had a bubble butt. Maybe this'll flatten it out. I hope so because working out sucks and I hate it. I hate it hate it hate it.

My old Chevy is in the driveway but I decide that it will bring too much attention if I turn it on because it's as loud as Renee when she has the big 'O' and I think it'd alert people down the street. So I decide to walk.

I'm not sure where I'm going but I do know it's far away from home. I never liked staying at home. Renee hates me and Charlie is. Well. Charlie's just there so I can't say anything about him but I can say it wouldn't kill him to drop the toilet seat once in awhile. Asshole.

I contemplate walking to Jasper's but decide against that. He lives halfway across town and as small as Forks is I don't have legs to walk that far and I don't feel like flashing some trucker for a ride at the moment either. So Jasper's house is out.

So instead of walking somewhere purposefully I just wander around like an idiot. That's not new, though. After the first few times doing it the neighbor's stopped notifying my parents that I was found jaywalking some few miles from their house. Sometimes I think they watch me though just to see what I'll do. Housewives are nosy.

I'm about to light a cigarette some few miles from home when something runs into my leg. I hate it when things and people run into me. Watch where you're going, dumbass. I'm about to tell the thing off when I hear it speak up.

"I'm real sorry, Miss. Daddy always tells me to watch where I'm going." I'm kind of interested now. This kid is cute. I've never really liked kids much but I think this one will be an exception. He has doe like green eyes and messy black hair. He must have good looking parents. And be new because I hadn't heard of him yet through Renee's personal grapevine.

"It's fine kid. I'm Bella." I decide to throw him a bone. He looks so hopeful even I with my black heart of despair couldn't turn away.

"Hi Miss Bella!" He perks up and suddenly I feel like I've done the wrong thing. Hyper kids are bad. "My name's Anthony Cullen!"

"Um. Hey Anthony." Then something strikes me. I understand why _I'm_ jaywalking but this kid looks like he should be in preschool or something. I don't think he's hit that rebellious stage yet. "Where's your dad? Um, or mom?" I feel kid of stupid but some sense of morals I still seem to have won't let me leave him alone.

"Oh, Daddy's at our house." He points to the house right beside us and I feel stupid. "We just moved and I was running around 'cus Daddy says I need to work off energy. Then I ran into your knee. It's kind of bony." I raise an eyebrow but don't retort. How incredibly rude. And I thought he was a sweet kid.

"Well, you're skinny. So there." He sticks his tongue out at my words and crosses his arms defensively.

"I'd rather be skinny than _fat_." His voice is accusing.

"You can't be fat and have a bony knee. You've made me mad. I'm leaving." I kind of salute the midget and turn away but he tackles my knees and I wobble. What the hell?

"Sorry Miss Bella don't leave me! Daddy's talking with the mover people so I'm all alone." So am I, what a coincidence. But I take pity on him and dig a piece of paper out of my pocket. I always have paper and a pen in my pockets. I don't know why. Maybe I kept them in there for this moment alone.

"Maybe we should go out for ice cream. A date?" Jasper would kill when he heard I went on a date with a preschooler, but I had set my standards pretty low lately. I doubt he'd be _that_ surprised.

"Oh! Yay! Let's go!" He tugs on my jacket and I grunt, waving my hand at him. Before we go I write a note on the piece of paper. I've never kidnapped a kid before but I guess now is as good as never. Besides, I was leaving a note. That had to count for something.

We left, and the only thing that stayed in our wake was a note that said, '_Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Cullen. I have your son. Going out for ice cream at Dairy Queen. Probably be back by seven._' I just hoped nobody got the police after me or anything. It was just ice cream.

"Miss Bella, I like chocolate chip mint."

"No, you do not. Nothing should be mint except toothpaste." I was arguing with a preschooler about ice cream flavours. After we walked the whole two miles to Dairy Queen (and the runt made me carry him the second mile) we settled into a booth and a waitress was taking our orders. She looked kind of pissed. I would be too if I was a waitress.

"But I want chocolate chip mint. I don't care if you think vanilla is good." I saw the waitress write something down and I snapped.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm not sitting here waiting forever. He wants chocolate chip mint. You want vanilla right? Okay. I'll be back with your shit later." She almost skates away and it makes me angry. Anthony was sitting beside me and when I ate my ice cream I didn't want to smell his toothpaste shit right beside me.

"Miss Bella?" He breaks me out of my angry (and petulant) reverie and I snap at him. He shrinks back and gives me a big wide eyed look. I roll my eyes.

"What, what?" I ask.

"Well, even though you're kinda cranky, I've needed a new mommy for awhile, so I've decided you're my mommy." I shrug. Maybe his mom died or his parents got divorced or something. Either way, apparently I had a kid at seventeen.

"Okay. But don't call me mommy. Call me Bella Mommy."

"Yes Bella Mommy. Oh look! Ice cream!" We were in a Dairy Queen, yeah there was gonna be ice cream. But it was the bitchy waitress with our shit. She kind of slammed our ice cream down.

"Anything else?" She asks, and I know she really doesn't give a shit if we want anything else. I name her Bitchy Rosalie because that's what it says on her nametag, minus the bitchy part.

"Yeah. We want a better waitress." I reply snarkily and begin to slurp my food. I've never had much table manners when I was hungry, and apparently neither did Anthony. He probably got more ice cream on his Transformers shirt than in his pie hole.

"Fuck you." The waitress replies and leaves. I shrug and continue eating. Anthony occasionally asks questions and I answer some and don't answer others. It's not that I'm secretive or anything, I just don't like talking while I'm eating. I never understand dinner talk. Dinner is made to shove food in your mouth. You can talk later.

After we finish I leave our trash on the table happily, because I was still kind of sore from Bitchy Rosalie. We leave Dairy Queen and I vaguely hear the blonde waitress cursing as she throws napkins in the trashcan.

"Bella Mommy, carry me home." Anthony demands and I frown. Are all kids this demanding? I knew I was demanding but I was always a bit of a bitchy kid. Anthony isn't bitchy, he just knows what he wants. Eh. With a sigh I heave him up and know I'll probably lose more weight in this one day than I had in the past month.

Anthony and I talk on the way back to his house. He indulges me in information I was too lazy to ask for. Apparently his mom left his dad after his dad caught her 'boning a two ton bastard'. Anthony didn't know what those words meant but I kind of sniggered. His dad had a sense of humor. Wasn't stuffy. Good to know, since Anthony declared me his mom and all. I was like the virgin mary, except I gave a blow job once. I accidently bit his dick but he was an asshole anyway.

We hit Anthony's house twenty minutes later and I drop him off at the side of the sidewalk where I meet him. His dad is on the porch of the house, I think, and Anthony runs to meet him. I can't get a good look at the guy, so I shrug and leave. He's probably happy that Anthony wasn't kidnapped by some child rapist or anything. If I had a kid I'd want to know if some crazy motherfucker took him or not.

The walk home gives me time to think, not that I use it. I don't like to dwell on things because my temper gets the best of me sometimes and I'll usually walk into the house pissy for really no reason at all, and whoever gets close to me first gets blown up at. That's mostly the reason nobody talks to me straight after I get home.

I see my house come into sight soon and I sigh in relief. My feet were killing me. I guess I should get new Docs soon but I was really close to the ones I was wearing. I hade down all my firsts in them, step in dog shit, get kissed, all that. They were special to me. I even named them. The right one was Phil and the left one was Robin. I was a big fan of Dr. Phil. Sue me.

My house isn't anything special. My dad's the chief of police and my mom is a flaky bitch who can't keep a job for her life. So it's pretty average. A two story white house with the paint chipping off the sides. I love it anyway and that's saying a lot.

When I walk into the house and kick off my shoes I notice everything is quiet. Renee and Charlie probably noticed I was gone not too soon after I'd actually left but were too lazy to actually try to find me. That actually sounded like them.

I walked into the kitchen, intent on heating up some leftovers, because even though Dairy Queen ice cream was good, it wasn't really dinner. I noticed a post-it note on the fridge, written hastily in Renee's sideways writing. She always wrote like she was drunk or suffering a major hangover.

'_Your dad and I went to Billy's for a bonfire. Be back around ten. Leftover meatloaf in the fridge - Renee_'

Sometimes Renee forget I was her daughter and put her own name down on her notes. That didn't bother me at all. What did bother me was the meatloaf part. Like hell I was eating that shit. Renee cooked like a drunk college girl on acid on a good day.

Instead of heating up leftovers I had to make myself a sandwich. Usually I liked to cook, like really liked to cook, but I was tired for some reason. Maybe it was carrying a preschooler on my back for two miles that day but I wasn't in the mood for the whole sauteeing flip and fry thing today.

Soda in one hand and turkey sandwich in the other I turned on the TV in the living room and sat down on the rinky dinky leather couch. I never liked it because it held in the smell of ass like hell but Charlie was cheap and sentimental, so damn him if the couch was going, so was he.

Nothing was on except the usual game shows, news, that stuff. I settled on a rerun of _Dr. Phil_ and promptly fell asleep on the couch just as some teary eyed MILF explained why she'd actually cheated on her hunky husband.

I didn't even get to the part where Dr. Phil would tell her how to work it out.

Author's Note: So, should I keep going? Give me a yes, a no. Also, tell me if you want lemons. :) I'd love to have everybody's input.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up with crumbs down my shirt and spilled coke staining the coffee table. Oops. One glance at the clock told me it was six thirty in the morning. Still no sign of Renee and Charlie, from what I could see. Usually when they got home from one of Billy's 'bonfires' they'd be stumbling around drunk and not make it past the entryway.

Billy Black was a Quileute 'Elder' and lived on the Rez outside of town. The Quileutes were dark skinned beauties who liked to fuck and party till dawn all in the name of Lakshmi or whoever they praised. I think that's how Billy became paraplegic, some party incident. I can't be sure because if you ask him the story changes daily. A few weeks ago he lost his legs movement when he saved some lady from a whale in the lake. Bullshit.

My parents were good friends with Billy and some other Quileute parents. I personally was friends with Jake, Billy's son. He was a mechanic with a hot bod. Too bad he was gay.

With a groan I pulled myself up. It was Monday morning and if I was going to get through the day I needed a breakfast of the champions. And a shower because I was feeling itchy and kind of dirty.

I stumbled through the house like I was drunk, dropping off my trash in the sink and going upstairs. We only had one bathroom and that bothered me alot because I didn't need to find my dad's jizz stains in the tub and my mom's hooha hair around the trash can.

After a quick shower I slipped on some jeans and a hoodie before heading downstairs. I didn't bother to make food for more than me because it was obvious then that I was the only one at home. Renee and Charlie were probably passed out butt naked around a campfire at the Rez.

Some scrambled eggs and toast and I was ready to head out. Grabbing my backpack, I left the house, being sure to lock the doors. Even though it was Forks you never know. Some crazy ass mental patient from Seattle could've broken out of the hospital and decided he wanted to loot houses for condoms. Or something.

My old Chevy sounds like some old lady having an orgasm when I start it. No, seriously, it had that screechy sound and everything. Sometimes I liked to pretend I hear it say 'Oh Arnold!'. Other times the guy's name is Hubert.

I back out of the driveway and chug down the road at .05 miles an hour. Jake's offered to fix my truck more than once but I always tell him no. I know he's really close to the cars he works on, like really close, and I just don't want to walk into his garage and find him with his dinky in my exhaust pipe.

Wow, that sounds like a really bad pickup line.

I start to turn on the radio, but think against it. The truck just might quit on me if I put on any more pressure to it, so instead I put an earbud in my ear and my CD player on the seat beside me on repeat. '_The Rose_' by Bette Midler blares out in its soft tune and I smile and hum along. I always liked that song.

I keep the song on repeat for the fifteen minutes it takes to get to the school but I'm still not tired out by it. I know Jasper would tease me as soon as he knew I had gotten my fill of 80's soft rock before eight A.M. but he secretly loves it as much as I do. He's more of a Johnny Cash kinda guy though.

My truck sputters to a stop in the parking lot and I don't check to see if I parked crooked or not, instead I pull the earbuds out, sling my backpack over my shoulder, and head into the school. I see Jasper behind the old oak out front bumming a cigarette from his little nymph Alice. She giggles and pretends not to give it but her cigarettes are as easy to get as her legs spread far and wide for Jasper. They like to pretend they don't know shit about each other but they fuck I just know it.

"Hey." I call out, giving them a half-assed wave. Alice jumps back from leaning all up in Jasper's grill like she's afraid she's gonna get herpes from touching him or something and he atleast attempts to look cool. Doesn't work out for him.

"Hi Bella." Alice smiles once she's gotten over being caught trying to dry hump Jasper. "Usually you don't get to school until after the second bell rings, or you don't come at all." That's true. I've probably missed more days of school than I've been, but I'd rather spend my day at home eating out of a Ben & Jerry's than spend it sitting behind some girl getting fingered by an acne covered guy trying to look inconspicuous.

"I don't know why I'm here. Maybe I got lost on the way to the dumpsters or somemthing." I shrug and leave them both. I don't want an eyeful of porn. I don't _need_ an eyeful of porn.

My day is spent half-asleep. I even get caught in Mr. Banner's class. He threatens detention but we both know even if I had it I'd just fall asleep in there too so he lets me go.

For lunch I eat with Jasper and Alice. Sometimes Angela eats with us, but mostly she sticks with her short boyfriend Ben Cheney. She's okay but I don't like big groups, big groups aka being more than three people.

Alice chatters throughout lunch and Jasper and I are mostly quiet but that's not unusual. Alice talks for Jasper and I both and we really don't have a problem with that, well I don't anyway. It saves me from having my face heat up and fall over or something. I'm not good with people.

After school I hang out awhile with Jasper on my tailgate (Alice has already left; she has some after-school job), smoking cigarettes and generally being delinquents we know we shouldn't be but don't give a damn about.

We get tired after an hour or so though so Jasper jumps in his beat up pickup and I jump in mine. We simultaniously leave the parking lot, except he goes faster than me because my Chevy baby likes to embarrass me.

I drive by Forks Elementary because it's by Forks High; the town is really that small. I'm surprised to see a shuck of black hair and doey eyes sitting forlornly on the school's steps and on a whim I turn my truck (with some protesting by my wheels) into the school parking lot. I park half-assed and walk up to where Anthony is sitting alone.

"Uh, hey. Anthony." I say awkwardly. What the hell did I do this for? Oh yeah, because he looked so sad, and I know how it feels to be forgotten. Renee's always been flaky, not remembering to pick me up after school when I couldn't drive and Charlie was on duty. I knew she didn't mean to but it made me feel bad. I guess it'd make any kid feel bad enough.

"Bella Mommy!" He exclaims excitedly and jumps up from his perch. That look on his face kind of makes my stupid act worth it. He wraps his arms around my leg and begins to tell his tale of his first day of kindergarten. Huh, so he wasn't a preschooler, but he was damn small. I sympathized with him. I only hit 5'6 in my sophmore year, and hadn't grown since. It wasn't short but I felt awkward next to the gizelles in the locker room.

"Hey. Um. Where's your dad, Anthony?" I interrupt him, and then feel bad because his face falls when I do.

"He had to stay at the hospital to save somebody's life and so I have to wait here all alone." His big eyes looked up at me and I cursed before taking a seat beside him. My joints cracked. For a seventeen year old I felt forty or something.

"I could stay with you if you want," I offer, and Anthony squeals in a very unmanly way but he's only four or five so I forgive him.

"Yeah yeah!" Anthony enthuses, and frankly plops down in my lap. I wince because it seems like the thing to do when someone falls onto you.

We talk for a long time and I wonder where this kid's dad is. He must be alone a lot and I suddenly sympathize with him once more. I didn't like being without my parents (as dumbass as they were) or without anyone in general when I was a kid and he probably felt the same way.

Finally I see an expensive car pull in and Anthony claps his hands in delight. I gently place him beside me, wondering when I started to use the word 'gently' to describe _anything_ I do (which is usually in a lumbering, klutzy half-ass way).

I'm heading to get in my trusty Chevy when I hear Anthony introduce me as 'Bella Mommy'. I turn to apologize and stop.

_Damn_.

At least six feet tall of delicious, unadulterated sexiness.

_Double Damn_.

Messy bronze hair and pretty green eyes that are currently staring me down.

Suddenly I forget his looks and sheepishly rub the back of my neck. And then he speaks.

"Do you normally steal other people's children as a hobby, or is this something you just recently took up?"

_That_ is how I met Edward Anthony Cullen, the new doctor at Forks General Hospital. Not the best introduction in the world, huh?

No.

author's note: :) all reviews appreciated and thank you for everything peoples! the first disclaimer counts for the whole story in my book, by the way.

brokenrosepetals

aka your wet dream :D:D:D


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